Answers to Common Questions on Talking About the Past in Therapy

Talking about the past can be hard, and it is not uncommon to experience resistance to sharing the details of our past for a number of valid reasons. That being said, if we are not aware or understanding of where our patterns come from, we are missing a crucial piece of insight. We are missing the piece that helps us give ourselves compassion and empathy in the moments we are triggered and find ourselves stuck in old patterns.

You may want to share and not know how, have shared in the past and not found it effective, or be adamant against talking about the past when going into therapy. Below are some answers on some common questions about processing the past in therapy that may be helpful insight for some of these concerns.

What If I Don’t Want to Talk About the Past?

When clients tell me they do not want or need to talk about the past in the therapy setting, I have all the empathy in the world for how hard it can be to do this. Even though as a trauma therapist I believe it is an integral part of the healing process, I understand we may not always feel able or ready to do so.

Some comments or statements I hear in the office that indicate someone is avoiding the past might include things along the lines of:

“I want to focus on right NOW”

“I don’t want to talk about my childhood”

“I had a great childhood, there is nothing wrong with my family”

“I want to solve the problems I’m having currently, not talk about the past”

“I don’t want to just talk about things from a long time ago, I want to take action”

I get it! In fact I’ve probably said a few of these at some point in my own therapy journey. But what I have found to be true as a trauma therapist is that almost every client I have had, who has said some version of these statements and has then delved into the deeper work when they’ve eventually felt safe to do so, has experienced so much deeper healing than they ever expected to leave with when they first came in to therapy.

Along with this deeper healing generally comes a significant reduction in shame and increased connection to their wisest adult self.

What If I Feel Pressured to Share Before I’m Ready?

Of course, I tell my clients that I will never push them, as pressing someone to share is not an appropriate practice, sharing and processing upsetting past experiences is something that will only be beneficial when you feel ready and comfortable with the person you’re working with.

It may be beneficial to do a lot of emotion regulation work and introduction and practicing of regulation skills and to build emotional resilience prior to discussing past experiences.

More often than not, I start here with my clients, then once the client feels comfortable enough to explore how the past may have impacted them in a new way we begin that part of the process.

You should never be pressured to share more than you’re comfortable with or to do any modalities you do not feel ready for.

How Can I talk to My Therapist About Trauma Work?

Feel free to ask your therapist how they will know when you are ready to work on processing past trauma and other adverse experiences that are uncomfortable for you to discuss. You can also ask how they will help you to get there if this is something you are interested in. Along with asking what specific trainings they have completed that qualify them to do trauma work and what skills they can help you utilize should you experience hypo or hyper arousal in session or outside of the therapy office.

What If I Have Had Bad Experiences Sharing About My Past with Therapists?

If you have had negative experiences with therapists in the past, firstly, I am so sorry you have had to go through this in a space that is supposed to be safe for you.

I believe that all therapists do not have the same level of training or same connection with you, and because you have told your story to one and left feeling the same or worse, does not mean that will be the case with everyone you work with. I encourage you to continue to look for someone you feel very comfortable and safe with that allows you to take your time and share when you feel ready to do so. I also encourage sharing about what happened previously that made you uncomfortable, to better understand if the therapist may or may be able to work with you in a different way.

What is the Benefit of Talking About the Past in Therapy?

On our own time, as we feel comfortable, in a safe space, and with a safe professional who is properly trained, at some point we ideally want to be able to acknowledge where our patterns come from and better understand the maladaptive beliefs that cause them to continue.

Without this insight, we may be able to change some of our behaviors, but when we inevitably stumble at some point in the future, instead of being able to say ‘ah I know where this is coming from’ and being able to have full empathy for ourselves in that moment like our younger self deserves, we will likely continue to experience some level of shame when this happens. Further, we may continue to hold shame in many of our interactions in adulthood without having empathy for past versions of ourselves and understanding of where patterns formulated.

It’s true, knowing why something is happening doesn’t necessarily change what’s happening now, but methods like reprocessing through EMDR therapy, witnessing through IFS therapy, and learning to develop full empathy for the you that went through those past experience in that time absolutely can.

If you are a human and your therapist is not asking you questions about your past beyond the first session, I encourage you to deeply evaluate whether this is the right fit for you and explore your options.

It alarms me how many clients I see who have never been asked about their family history, or who have told their story and gotten no feedback or done any further processing, and who make such progress in their sense of self and reducing shame in such a short period of time just by engaging in the history taking and preparation phases of EMDR.

What About Therapists Who Have Not Had Trauma Training?

If you’re a client looking for a therapist with trauma training, you may want to use this phrasing in your search criteria or go a website for the specific method you are interested in if you have one. For example EMDRIA has the site https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/ where you can search for and find trauma therapists trained or further certified in your area.

Ask your therapists what trainings they have, a good therapist should also feel comfortable to tell you if what you are coming in with is outside of their scope of practice and provide additional referrals to someone who can better meet your needs.

If you are a therapist and you do not have trauma training (as this is not offered in most programs), I encourage you to use whatever resources you have to obtain more training in this.

There are so many amazing trainings out there and the communities of professionals that learn and grow together beyond graduate school involved in these trainings are often wonderful resources to learn from.

For more information on scheduling individual therapy in Greenville, South Carolina, please message me below. I look forward to speaking with you soon!

*This website (healingvalleyscounseling.com) and the information it contains are not a substitute for therapy. This site is not meant to provide treatment advice, only to share general psychoeducational information. Please see the disclaimer section for more information.