4 Ways to Use the ‘One Day at a Time’ Recovery Adage in Distancing Yourself from Unhealthy Relationships and Going 'No Contact’

There are many reasons we might decide we need to reduce or stop contact with another person at any given time. Often if we have attempted to communicate our boundaries and they continue to be violated by someone, we may have to make the difficult decision to reduce communication or go ‘no contact’ altogether with this person. Once we have made this decision, it can still be very difficult to follow through with, especially when trying to conceptualize the long terms impacts of this decision. Below are 4 helpful ways to use the 'one day at a time' recovery adage in reducing or going 'no contact' with someone that may make this process a little less daunting.

1. Tell yourself TODAY I will attempt to stay no contact and focus on the 24 hours ahead

If we say to ourselves we will never do something again, this can often feel so overwhelming and scary that we find ourselves actually being drawn back to the very thing we just swore off of, quickly falling into the “I can’t go forever” and subsequently the “one last time” mindset. This is something we have known to be true for substance use and maintaining a healthy recovery process for a while now, but as we better understand the cycles of unhealthy relationships and their similarities to addiction to substances, this same way of thinking can be applied to reducing contact with someone with whom we’ve had an unhealthy and damaging relationship. If reducing or ceasing contact with a person is your goal, instead of telling yourself you will NEVER speak to this person again, try committing to the 24 hours ahead of you and focus just on making it through today without reaching out. 

2. Structure your day with activities and coping skills that help you to stay no contact - like engaging in connection with healthy support persons and other activities that help you connect more deeply with self

Creating a daily structure that supports your process and achievement of your desired goals is a very important part of any recovery plan. Often it can be more beneficial to shift focus toward what we want to do (the desired behaviors), rather than hyper focusing on what we don’t want to do (the behaviors we are attempting to stop) and keeping that front of mind. Everyone’s recovery plan may look different based on what you enjoy doing and your personal goals. Generally, adaptive coping skills are beneficial behaviors and activities that help us cope without causing harm to one’s self or others. I recommend and assist my clients in creating at least a loose structure for engaging in coping skills throughout the day and having pre-planned ways of coping for when struggling to resist reaching out. The skills we try to lean on in these instances are ones that help foster a healthy connection to self and others and promote positive feelings. 

3. Give yourself credit for any amount of time you are able to stick with your plan of reducing or ceasing contact (you’re doing great!)

Even in the most unhealthy of relationships, there is something that draws us back to that person, just as one might be drawn to an addictive substance. When something brings us relief, comfort, or a feeling of connection, we are motivated to continue seeking it out, no matter how severe the consequences that come with it. In having empathy for this experience, if we can tell ourselves that we are choosing to not engage today, without swearing off of contact altogether, this can help us to focus on the 24 hours ahead of us and recommitting every day to this process without experiencing the overwhelm that trips us up and sends us running back for fear of forever. Giving yourself gentle encouragement as you would a friend or a child for any amount of time that passes without reaching out, can be a helpful way to reduce shame throughout this process and keep yourself on track with reducing contact.

4. If you break no contact, focus on re-engaging in the process without shaming yourself for the ‘relapse’ (relapse is part of recovery sometimes here too)

We know that relapse is a part of recovery and the process of recommitting daily and only focusing on one day at a time helps to reduce shame associated with relapsing back into old patterns and being able to refocus when needed instead of getting stuck in the shame spiral when we stumble. We also know that when we are experiencing shame, we are more likely to reach out to that old source of comfort than we are to engage in the new behaviors we are trying to make habit. When we do break contact, it is important to have grace and self-compassion as this can be a very difficult process that takes time. Breaking no-contact does not mean you are back at square one, the progress and effort you have put into therapy and self-growth still count and will continue to have positive impacts on your journey moving forward!

As always, this blog is not designed to provide professional advice or therapy. It is important to work with a trained professional when attempting to end or reduce engagement in an unhealthy relationship. A trained professional can assist you in creating an appropriate safety plan if needed and provide additional referrals and resources. If you are in a relationship where violence has occurred or been threatened or have any question for your safety, this is work that should not be done alone. You can contact the National Domestic Violence hotline for more information at 800-799-7233.

For more information on scheduling counseling in Greenville, South Carolina, please message me below. I look forward to speaking with you soon!

*This website (healingvalleyscounseling.com) and the information it contains are not a substitute for therapy. This site is not meant to provide treatment advice, only to share general psychoeducational information. In the event of an emergency, please contact 911.